Maybe it was being raised by a school teacher, maybe all those years I spent loving school, but something in me feels that the rhythm of the year ends in August, not December. The summer heat dries up all but the hardiest Gulf Coast natives, and autumn feels something like death, leaves falling, ushering in the season of the spirits.

I have not been teaching as frequently to allow space for me to process change - to be present, to surrender to the loss, and to welcome the growth...I am also in a season of deep learning with my teacher.  I make my way up to New York as often as I can to offer service and learn from her in-person, in the rich way of Tradition that she lovingly shares with me.  My days (and nights!) are filled with Sanskrit homework, chanting, ritual, meditation, contemplation, and writing. 

I don’t know how long I was there, but my body & mind became transparent, like cellophane, and my soul felt as if it merged with the ocean. I could feel the waves breaking on the shores of the Asian coast, and the seafloor was the center of the Earth and the center of it all. My heart sync’d up with the subtle yet incomprehensibly deep swell of the sea, and the fighting fell away. There was only love and awe and complete peace.

Part of me wanted to stay there, in that oneness.

Up until our 40’s, and, well, just IN GENERAL, many of us are possessed by this idea that we are supposed to DO or BE something that someone else has determined to be “the thing”. We follow the lead of our parents, society, our friends, our neighbors, our partners. We rebel at times, asserting our individuality, but a different kind of rebellion often happens around 40. As women (and men to some degree) our hormones make a drastic shift, and suddenly we are TIRED. We are tired of drama, tired of doing thankless work for others, tired of fighting the good fight, and also just TIRED. We need a break.

In the context of spiritual and energetic possession, it occurred to me that porosity could indicate how much space is available for outside energies to settle into our subtle bodies. Permeability, then, would indicate how well energies can flow through us, move through us - without grasping on and settling into that pore space.. Then, I thought, is it possibly that our porosity and permeability isn’t fixed? Maybe our health, our digestion, and our psychosomatic and spiritual practices influence how well we process energy - beneficial or otherwise.

By learning to navigate and understand my own nervous system, I am also able to access compassion and care for my loved ones when their nervous systems are on alert. Knowing that their actions and reactions are being driven by a nervous system response that isn’t conscious cultivates empathy. Having conversation (when we have stabilized back in ventral) around these observations and experiences allows us to heal together and support one another more fully when we are triggered.

Practically, though, how do I reflect the love, respect, and faith I have in the divine onto myself and my relationship with my loved ones? How have I made THAT a practice also?

To devote myself to something or someone, I realized I must first be devoted to myself, and to devote to myself, I needed to understand myself. Our external world perfectly reflects our internal world, yet when the external doesn’t suit us, we tend to blame the external alone! As if the cosmic mirror were an artist of sorts, creating a cosmic shit-show from thin air. But the cosmic mirror creates nothing - it reflects.

For the mystic at heart, India is a swim in the waters of the in-between - a deep drop into the flow. We sense the vibration of the sages and the seekers who come here and who came before. Their questions float unanswered on the morning breeze, begging you to grab ahold and get carried away, if only for a while. The sky feels closer, the sun seems brighter, the moon sparkles more clearly, and universal truth hides in the nooks and crannies of everyday life.

My path to peace began with faith - that I could find peace, that the teachings were valid, that I was capable of connecting to something greater than sensory-perceived reality. It has been sustained with effort. I just keep showing up, sitting, studying. I remind myself often of the teachings and pull in to my center, the foundation of which, is faith. From this, my intuition has strengthened. Then, I trust my intuition, and it becomes like another layer of this same path.

I love the practice of yoga - the philosophy, the history, the drama, the conflict, the beauty, and the stillness - I love to share my exploration of yoga in community. My practice has helped me wade through a lot - it isn’t all love and light - it is a path to live and embrace life fully.