I’m still here...

I know I have been quiet here, and I am still here. I am still contemplating yogic teachings daily, practicing, teaching, chanting, playing the guitar, singing, writing, and working to integrate it all into my daily “normal” life with a partner and five kids.

And, a lot has been changing. I committed to a more dedicated and traditional study with my teacher. Which means I have been traversing quite a bit of personal transformation along the way. I am consistently growing, feeling more grounded, and I find myself often questioning what I want to share in these public spaces. I am holding things a little more closely to my heart, for now, letting the teachings move through me, marinating in them, resisting the pressure to process them in some measurable, demonstrable, publicly communicable way.

Though I am sure I’ll have plenty to say in the future, I feel the urge to pull inward as I lean into deep studentship. There is something beautiful happening inside me as I cultivate more space for the many forms of quiet. I feel a bit like a little seed, burrowing into the ground, quietly preparing to germinate, and I am nurturing that seasonally-appropriate pull, surrendering to nature’s wisdom that somehow also lies within the grace of this tradition.

I am giving myself permission to be under construction, a work-in-progress, an I don’t know… because how can I continue to grow if I am always trying to be complete, packaged up nicely, with my i’s dotted and my t’s crossed? So, I am hanging out in the space around the lingering question mark, the place where scholars run out of words and awkward silence makes the fearful cringe. Watching, listening, closing my eyes, and feeling it all.