Devotion - Part One
Many things have happened lately that have brought devotion into the forefront of my awareness. “What even IS devotion? What does that ENTAIL?” Devoting yourself to something or someone felt, well……..HEAVY.
I remember the morning I woke up before I walked down the aisle, and I still hadn’t written my wedding vows - partly because I had been planning a wedding with a full time engineering job, my fiancé overseas, and three kids, AND partly because I was terrified and full of doubt that I could actually commit to said vows. Despite my self-doubt, I did the thing - threw myself in with my whole heart, wrote the vows that felt true to me, and I jumped. Six years and two more kids later, I traveled to India, and India woke me up, humbled me, broke me open, exposed my raw pain I had been burying and bathed me in it. My husband and I separated five months later, and I came face to face with my own demons, as did he.
To devote myself to something or someone, I realized I must first be devoted to myself, and to devote to myself, I needed to understand myself. Our external world perfectly reflects our internal world, yet when the external doesn’t suit us, we tend to blame the external alone! As if the cosmic mirror were an artist of sorts, creating a cosmic shit-show from thin air. But the cosmic mirror creates nothing - it reflects. I realized my struggles with the “other” were reflecting my struggles with myself. I expected my husband to devote himself wholly to me, yet my relationship with myself was one of mistrust.
In order to cultivate a devotional relationship with myself, I had to find the root of the psycho-emotional weed that was growing in my soul’s garden. What was holding me back from devotion? Gardeners know - if you don’t pull the root out with the weed, it grows right back. In yoga philosophy, this is the process of uprooting samskaras or vasanas (emotional, mental and psychological impressions that create psycho-emotional holding patterns), thereby releasing yourself from the karmic grip they have on your soul’s journey. Simply put - you break the cycle and stop repeating the past by examining the pattern and its cause.
When I deepened by devotional practice a few years ago through ritual, mantra, and meditation on my ishta devata* (the representation of the divine that most resonated with me) I began to naturally unpack what has been holding me back from devotion to myself and my partner. The issues began to surface like bubbles floating up onto the surface of a pond. My practice creates clarity and discernment to dig deep, uproot, and connect the dots in my psyche. Respecting and accepting myself and my partner throughout this process has deepened our relationship, and this deepening mirrors my deepening devotion to the the divine.
*In my opinion, not everyone needs an ishta devata. The only requirement for a devotional practice is that there is something/person/concept/idea/feeling to which you would like to devote yourself. Something in which you invest your energy with the intention to create change in your life and in the world. Working with a deity provides ME an energetic focal point, and this is not the only way to work with devotion.
Over time, I found that softening to devotion also required me to become comfortable with surrender and vulnerability. I had to realize and then accept that no amount of accomplishment would make me immortal, re-write the past, protect me from heartache, or seal my fate. Interestingly, studying Jyotisha (Vedic astrology) helped me surrender to the idea that some karma IS fixed, some can be influenced through practice, and some can even be eradicated. I find comfort in exploring this dance of the cosmos and its influence on my life - finding the balance between what can be done and what we have to just let be.
Practically, though, how do I reflect the love, respect, and faith I have in the divine onto myself and my relationship with my loved ones? How have I made THAT a practice also? More on that next time…
For now, it is the first day of Chaitra Navaratri - the Springtime Goddess festival in India. May you all experience the beauty, power, and grace of the heightened shakti this week and next. I’ll be celebrating the closing of the festival with a full moon practice and fire at my home 4.6.23 at 6:30 PM, and I’d love to celebrate with you.
♥️🌺🤍🌺 ♥️
